Carac Days 7 - 13 BRAVERY

Boy, I've been a bad blogger. Honestly, I wanted to wait to blog until I had something positive to report, little bursts of hope that future readers would glom onto, as I have done on so many other blogs and forums.

But I couldn't muster the positive. Can't find it. There isn't much I'm afraid.

My case seems to be going along exactly as the other photojournalists/bloggers have reported. Each day seems exponentially worse than the last, and this makes thinking about going all the way to the end (28 days) a sheer impossibility. You can officially call me the poster child for the "take it day by day" mentality.

I am getting ready to apply Carac on day 13. As with all of the other days, I try to find something else to do first that would be less painful, like a root canal or the removal of my spleen with a butter knife and no anesthesia. I fiddle and diddle around until I finally get the guts to get in the shower, around noon each day.

My face is basically red over the entire surface, with the exception of next to my hairline. I am surprised that I even have lesions under my chin. I have some scabbing already in the very worst areas - underneath my eyes on the apples of my cheeks, my chin, above my eyebrows (whole forehead, really) and my entire nose. To put Carac on these places is an act of bravery that is only matched by the feeling that I had when I was being wheeled in the OR for my mastectomy ("MUST BE BRAVE AND JUST DO IT"). Here's the thing though, I only had to do that once. This is putting chemicals on open, increasingly angry wounds again and again and again and again and again. Did I say, again and again? I would take another mastectomy over this any day of the week.

Seems as if there is an blow torch that blows directly onto my face right before and for 3 hours or so after the Carac application. This, while akin to a first degree burn IMHO, is tolerable. What continues to be intolerable, what is the insanity maker, is the constant millions of sharp, knife-like, electrical pricks that barage me from the inside of my skin. In. Tol. Er. A. Ble. Period. I spend my day micro-focused on trying to survive this.

So, the positive is that once ice is applied after 2 hours of Carac pricking living hell, the nerves do seem to settle down enough to be bearable. I find that I can talk (not too much as face movement appears to excite the nerves and then I am back to icing) and eat small bites. I get up in the morning and do some cooking while I feel pretty good, so I think I have actually gained weight. Oh well.

Others around me have noticed that I go from normal to cranky in .02. I won't deny this. I truly feel for anybody in chronic pain. I don't think I could do it. My hat's off to you who manage to make it through that on a daily basis.

I find breathing and meditating helps, ala Lamaze. I find rocking myself gives me something to do while the insane prickling is going on. Sometimes I yell out, but curb that when the kids are around so I don't alarm them too much.

Each day, as I apply Carac to my bone dry, peeling, cracking, scabby skin, I ask myself, "Can I do this one more day? Can I do this just one more time, tomorrow?" If I decide that I CAN get through it one more time, I then commit to one more day ONLY. Thinking about 16 more days isn't doable. Only one day at a time, peeps.

"Lemonade from Lemons" Girl is struggling. Off to the shower ------>

XOXO Jen (Yes, I do realize that I am very very lucky).

Carac Days 3 - 6, ICE PACK!!!!

Day 3 went fine, with minor burning and itching, along with minor headache and eye swelling.

Day 4 was a killer. I put the Carac on and 15 minutes later my face felt like white-hot fireworks were going off under my skin, with the small pieces of ash searing into the under layers of my dermis. It was all I could do not to claw my face off, the feeling was was "itching" crossed with pain that was truly miserable. I ended up rocking myself in a fetal position in order not to scratch at my face, counting every second to the end of the two hours when I could put something on it.

15 minutes before the end of the two hours, I remembered I had left my Clobetasol prescription at the pharmacy but not filled it. The Derm had told me that was for itching and redness. I got in the car and drove like an insane person to the pharmacy. I purchased the steroid and put it on my face in the parking lot. The searing pain that ripped through my face was a welcome relief from the insane "itching" I had just experienced.

Back at home I read on Google that different nerves convey the itch urge than the nerves that convey pain signals. I learned that the "itching" system always forces an instinctive scratching response, where the pain system compels the person to keep their hand away from the stimulus. It claimed that cold water will settle the twitching itch nerves. It was here that I got the brainstorm to put an ice pack to the itching. After about an hour the itching completely stopped.

Day five and day six, I was never far from my ice pack. That is going to make all of the difference from what I can tell. That, and the Clobetasol.

Today is day six and I am beginning to see the red spots emerge. I am somewhat surprised to find that there is more activity on my left side, the side that is next to the driver's side window. I seem to have them everywhere, including my eyebrows, hairline, along my chin line, and especially my temples. I have worn bangs all of my life so I thought my forehead would be exempt, but that is the area that has the most "firework" activity.

I am sleeping okay and wake up feeling good. I take a shower and put the cream on at about 1:00. p.m. I deal with the fireworks for two hours as well as a headache and some dizziness. I find that if I can nap after applying the ice that makes the evening bearable.

At night I splash water on my face and cover that with Stevens Cream. That causes more major itching and takes another hour of ice. But I figure it is worth it to get some hydration going on overnight.

I can't imagine 22 more days of this, but I find that a day by day attitude makes it doable.

Paix