20/20 Vision

Recently a dear and treasured friend emailed after we had been out of touch for some time. Having lost my email address, he Googled me. As a result found this blog at which point he learned I had cancer. He then sent me a note asking, "Your blog just went cold! Did you die? Please say you didn't die!"

Funny! But he's right, it's been a while since I've been here so here I am.

I titled this blog post "20/20 Vision" but it really should be titled "1/1 Vision." I am a little distance away from the cancer now, so I can look back and gain *some* perspective. However, time will provide me with a lot more. It's a lot of learning, so slow is good.

I am back to what I was, plus. I still have the unknown lump on my ribcage, having not found the time to go back to the doctor just yet. Or maybe I just haven't found the inclination. Either way, little lump is safe there for now.

My scar has healed and it does not physically hurt. If you google "mastectomy pictures" you can see what it looks like (well, not MINE exactly, but mastectomy scars in general). I will warn you that it is very alarming to look at. Somehow, despite my own 10 inch long scar, I've made a pretty fast peace with how it looks and feels. Except for an occasional cattie-wampus bra incident, I look and feel the same from the outside looking in. So, all is well there.

I don't worry much about getting more cancer. Rather, I simply accept that more is in my future due to a high-level family history and my young age at first occurrence. Knowing this does affect the choices I make. For the better. Mostly.

And I feel much more at peace than before, internally. The difficulty that is coming into play for me now is dating. I have a very picky criteria list, to which I must now add, "person who is willing to put up with one boob and a 10 inch scar." To be honest, it's not much of a dilemma for me. My attitude is that if a person can't do that, then they are not for me. So, I go back to a state of being thankful for the pretty day and not worrying about much. It's just how I roll these days. Peace has its advantages.

(By the way - the picture above was taken from our ocean front cottage at Cape Cod in October. I'm still trying to get a picture slide show together ...)

Peas, Jen

Update 6/19/08

Just back from the GI Guy. Seems my liver enzymes have moved must closer to normal and my iron levels have dropped, too. I believe this is totally due to recent diet changes. Super encouraging!

Ever the doctor, he still wants me to have a liver ultrasound. I may or I may not. For now I'll just enjoy the most recent good news.

Paix - Jen

Update 6/14/08

I'm on tap to meet with a surgeon on June 23, 2008 for a consultation. For those of you who don't know, I have a high-grade comedo type DCIS tumor in my left breast. That is all we know for now. The team that I will be working with at the Huntsman Cancer Institute in Salt Lake City will include an Oncology Surgeon, a Radiology Oncologist, a Medical Oncologist, and a Plastic Surgeon. I am told by my Ogden team of doctors that I will need surgery immediately. However, I am also investigating alternatives and look forward to hearing more about what those are.

Paix - Jen

How to Tell People 101

Damn! I've misplaced my "How To Tell Your Family, Close Friends, Acquaintances, Clients, Neighbors, and Others That You Have Cancer" manual again.

I hate it when that happens.

A quick little primer:

Family: Share immediately. This is a good opportunity to cry and get it all out. Get it all out here because you'll need to regain your strength for ...

Close Friends: Share the news as you have the energy to do so because these folks won't take it well. You will want to make sure you call them personally (no email, snail mail, Morse code, note in a bottle, etc.). From your mouth to their ears. Make it your business to call them before they hear it from somebody else because you would want the same from them. Ask these people to kindly share the news with ...

Acquaintances: People who you love but don't talk to on a regular basis. This is where the news will spread like wildfire due to little or no effort on your part. Places like your work, the gym, the church choir, the guys in the prison yard, and your Bag Hoarder's Support Group will all know in .2 seconds flat if you let somebody else tell it for you. This will leave you with some energy to figure out how to tell your ...

Clients: This is a tough one. My business, Real Estate, is an unforgiving line of work where I need to be available 24/7. If my clients think that I am too sick to be out working with them, then my (considerable) medical bills don't get paid. Even more importantly, I want to work to feel connected and stay useful as I journey back to wellness. For now I am opting to not say anything about it to the clients. If I ever arrive to meet a client while attached to an IV pole, then maybe I'll have to explain. Until then, nada. This brings us to ...

Neighbors and Others: I adore my dear neighbors. They are last on the list because I know that they will the most forgiving. Others include people like the nice policeman who pulls you over for speeding. I read in c blogs that sharing that you have cancer with these types is commonly called using the "c-card." I guess cancer is good for something after all.

I know that some people prefer not to say anything except to close family. Completely understandable and that gets my full support. For me, I appreciate the prayers, resources and good wishes that come my way from my extended support group. In fact, they've become my manna.

Paix to all, Jen