Friday, January 21, 2011

Carac Chemo - Day One

I've done everything I can think of to prepare myself for what is to come. At this point my blog will just become a diary with the goal of paying forward the enormous amount of help and consolation I have received from other blogs and forums.

I've decided to do my chemo in the mornings rather than evenings. After the application, you have to wait 2 hours before applying any kind of cream or soothing lotion. I consider these 2 hours "hell time" and since I already have chronic insomnia, I don't want to add "hell time" to the insomnia drama. Better to do it in the morning and then stay as busy as possible.

Yesterday I descended into despair. I texted my kids that I didn't think I could do it. I sat at my desk and sobbed huge heaving sobs, not just for the chemo and the cancer, but for the whole situation in general. Huge tears dropped loudly onto my desk calendar as I despaired away on many issues. Like with any good cry, I felt better afterward having purged a lot of toxins that have been interfering with the process of getting my game face on.
As with the cancer I had before, my game face is on, but slightly ajar and not secured fastened. I am just keeping a brave face for my kids and the people around me who unanimously agree that I should fight this like a warrior. I don't really feel like fighting, and I don't feel like a warrior.

So I do what I have to do to keep the peace between how I feel inside and what the outside world thinks I should feel. It is a lonely place.
The key is to stay busy. I am busy with real estate, and my clients have been exceptionally understanding. Today I am going to stock up on my meds, get more hair clips to keep hair out of my face, get lots of water, do some cleaning, sign up for and arrange my yarns so I can knit. I've decided to make the best of my 6 week downtime and am actually excited to investigate some advanced social media tools I haven't had time to explore.

"My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return. – Maya Angelou"

Peace. Until tomorrow ... J

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