Yeeeikes! I posted some pretty complainey stuff in the last post and then disappeared into thin air for a couple of months! Makes me wonder why I was posting about my Carac experience at all in the first place. I guess I was trying to be as useful and helpful as other bloggers were to me about the subject. But, it's no good when suddenly there is a 2 month silence and the posts that ARE there are not that inspirational. Can I get an "A" for trying at least? The good news is that I finished up the chemotherapy a little early. It was brutal, but in the end, it was doable.
The result has been baby soft skin on my face and oddly, it has returned to the prepubescent oily state it once was when I was only 13 or so. I did lose some of the wrinkles, all of the dark spots, all of the rough spots, and it seems that all is well for now. I actually don't think about it or dwell on it at all. If I have to do the chemo again, then so be it.
For now, summer is nigh and after great amounts of thought, I will not be staying out of the sun. For me there is no life out of the sun, and I refuse to hike in a big floppy hat. So, I have found industrial strength sunscreen and that is the plan.
Please don't fret if you have to go a round of Carac. It is very difficult, but you can do it. You will be cancer free and everybody will say you look 10 years younger. You CAN do it! :-)
Into life I merrily go!
Paix - Jen
Jennifer Bunker CRS GRI
Utah Real Estate Broker
Monday, May 23, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Carac Days 7 - 13 BRAVERY
Boy, I've been a bad blogger. Honestly, I wanted to wait to blog until I had something positive to report, little bursts of hope that future readers would glom onto, as I have done on so many other blogs and forums.
But I couldn't muster the positive. Can't find it. There isn't much I'm afraid.
My case seems to be going along exactly as the other photojournalists/bloggers have reported. Each day seems exponentially worse than the last, and this makes thinking about going all the way to the end (28 days) a sheer impossibility. You can officially call me the poster child for the "take it day by day" mentality.
I am getting ready to apply Carac on day 13. As with all of the other days, I try to find something else to do first that would be less painful, like a root canal or the removal of my spleen with a butter knife and no anesthesia. I fiddle and diddle around until I finally get the guts to get in the shower, around noon each day.
My face is basically red over the entire surface, with the exception of next to my hairline. I am surprised that I even have lesions under my chin. I have some scabbing already in the very worst areas - underneath my eyes on the apples of my cheeks, my chin, above my eyebrows (whole forehead, really) and my entire nose. To put Carac on these places is an act of bravery that is only matched by the feeling that I had when I was being wheeled in the OR for my mastectomy ("MUST BE BRAVE AND JUST DO IT"). Here's the thing though, I only had to do that once. This is putting chemicals on open, increasingly angry wounds again and again and again and again and again. Did I say, again and again? I would take another mastectomy over this any day of the week.
Seems as if there is an blow torch that blows directly onto my face right before and for 3 hours or so after the Carac application. This, while akin to a first degree burn IMHO, is tolerable. What continues to be intolerable, what is the insanity maker, is the constant millions of sharp, knife-like, electrical pricks that barage me from the inside of my skin. In. Tol. Er. A. Ble. Period. I spend my day micro-focused on trying to survive this.
So, the positive is that once ice is applied after 2 hours of Carac pricking living hell, the nerves do seem to settle down enough to be bearable. I find that I can talk (not too much as face movement appears to excite the nerves and then I am back to icing) and eat small bites. I get up in the morning and do some cooking while I feel pretty good, so I think I have actually gained weight. Oh well.
Others around me have noticed that I go from normal to cranky in .02. I won't deny this. I truly feel for anybody in chronic pain. I don't think I could do it. My hat's off to you who manage to make it through that on a daily basis.
I find breathing and meditating helps, ala Lamaze. I find rocking myself gives me something to do while the insane prickling is going on. Sometimes I yell out, but curb that when the kids are around so I don't alarm them too much.
Each day, as I apply Carac to my bone dry, peeling, cracking, scabby skin, I ask myself, "Can I do this one more day? Can I do this just one more time, tomorrow?" If I decide that I CAN get through it one more time, I then commit to one more day ONLY. Thinking about 16 more days isn't doable. Only one day at a time, peeps.
"Lemonade from Lemons" Girl is struggling. Off to the shower ------>
XOXO Jen (Yes, I do realize that I am very very lucky).
But I couldn't muster the positive. Can't find it. There isn't much I'm afraid.
My case seems to be going along exactly as the other photojournalists/bloggers have reported. Each day seems exponentially worse than the last, and this makes thinking about going all the way to the end (28 days) a sheer impossibility. You can officially call me the poster child for the "take it day by day" mentality.
I am getting ready to apply Carac on day 13. As with all of the other days, I try to find something else to do first that would be less painful, like a root canal or the removal of my spleen with a butter knife and no anesthesia. I fiddle and diddle around until I finally get the guts to get in the shower, around noon each day.
My face is basically red over the entire surface, with the exception of next to my hairline. I am surprised that I even have lesions under my chin. I have some scabbing already in the very worst areas - underneath my eyes on the apples of my cheeks, my chin, above my eyebrows (whole forehead, really) and my entire nose. To put Carac on these places is an act of bravery that is only matched by the feeling that I had when I was being wheeled in the OR for my mastectomy ("MUST BE BRAVE AND JUST DO IT"). Here's the thing though, I only had to do that once. This is putting chemicals on open, increasingly angry wounds again and again and again and again and again. Did I say, again and again? I would take another mastectomy over this any day of the week.
Seems as if there is an blow torch that blows directly onto my face right before and for 3 hours or so after the Carac application. This, while akin to a first degree burn IMHO, is tolerable. What continues to be intolerable, what is the insanity maker, is the constant millions of sharp, knife-like, electrical pricks that barage me from the inside of my skin. In. Tol. Er. A. Ble. Period. I spend my day micro-focused on trying to survive this.
So, the positive is that once ice is applied after 2 hours of Carac pricking living hell, the nerves do seem to settle down enough to be bearable. I find that I can talk (not too much as face movement appears to excite the nerves and then I am back to icing) and eat small bites. I get up in the morning and do some cooking while I feel pretty good, so I think I have actually gained weight. Oh well.
Others around me have noticed that I go from normal to cranky in .02. I won't deny this. I truly feel for anybody in chronic pain. I don't think I could do it. My hat's off to you who manage to make it through that on a daily basis.
I find breathing and meditating helps, ala Lamaze. I find rocking myself gives me something to do while the insane prickling is going on. Sometimes I yell out, but curb that when the kids are around so I don't alarm them too much.
Each day, as I apply Carac to my bone dry, peeling, cracking, scabby skin, I ask myself, "Can I do this one more day? Can I do this just one more time, tomorrow?" If I decide that I CAN get through it one more time, I then commit to one more day ONLY. Thinking about 16 more days isn't doable. Only one day at a time, peeps.
"Lemonade from Lemons" Girl is struggling. Off to the shower ------>
XOXO Jen (Yes, I do realize that I am very very lucky).
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Carac Days 3 - 6, ICE PACK!!!!
Day 3 went fine, with minor burning and itching, along with minor headache and eye swelling.
Day 4 was a killer. I put the Carac on and 15 minutes later my face felt like white-hot fireworks were going off under my skin, with the small pieces of ash searing into the under layers of my dermis. It was all I could do not to claw my face off, the feeling was was "itching" crossed with pain that was truly miserable. I ended up rocking myself in a fetal position in order not to scratch at my face, counting every second to the end of the two hours when I could put something on it.
15 minutes before the end of the two hours, I remembered I had left my Clobetasol prescription at the pharmacy but not filled it. The Derm had told me that was for itching and redness. I got in the car and drove like an insane person to the pharmacy. I purchased the steroid and put it on my face in the parking lot. The searing pain that ripped through my face was a welcome relief from the insane "itching" I had just experienced.
Back at home I read on Google that different nerves convey the itch urge than the nerves that convey pain signals. I learned that the "itching" system always forces an instinctive scratching response, where the pain system compels the person to keep their hand away from the stimulus. It claimed that cold water will settle the twitching itch nerves. It was here that I got the brainstorm to put an ice pack to the itching. After about an hour the itching completely stopped.
Day five and day six, I was never far from my ice pack. That is going to make all of the difference from what I can tell. That, and the Clobetasol.
Today is day six and I am beginning to see the red spots emerge. I am somewhat surprised to find that there is more activity on my left side, the side that is next to the driver's side window. I seem to have them everywhere, including my eyebrows, hairline, along my chin line, and especially my temples. I have worn bangs all of my life so I thought my forehead would be exempt, but that is the area that has the most "firework" activity.
I am sleeping okay and wake up feeling good. I take a shower and put the cream on at about 1:00. p.m. I deal with the fireworks for two hours as well as a headache and some dizziness. I find that if I can nap after applying the ice that makes the evening bearable.
At night I splash water on my face and cover that with Stevens Cream. That causes more major itching and takes another hour of ice. But I figure it is worth it to get some hydration going on overnight.
I can't imagine 22 more days of this, but I find that a day by day attitude makes it doable.
Paix
Day 4 was a killer. I put the Carac on and 15 minutes later my face felt like white-hot fireworks were going off under my skin, with the small pieces of ash searing into the under layers of my dermis. It was all I could do not to claw my face off, the feeling was was "itching" crossed with pain that was truly miserable. I ended up rocking myself in a fetal position in order not to scratch at my face, counting every second to the end of the two hours when I could put something on it.
15 minutes before the end of the two hours, I remembered I had left my Clobetasol prescription at the pharmacy but not filled it. The Derm had told me that was for itching and redness. I got in the car and drove like an insane person to the pharmacy. I purchased the steroid and put it on my face in the parking lot. The searing pain that ripped through my face was a welcome relief from the insane "itching" I had just experienced.
Back at home I read on Google that different nerves convey the itch urge than the nerves that convey pain signals. I learned that the "itching" system always forces an instinctive scratching response, where the pain system compels the person to keep their hand away from the stimulus. It claimed that cold water will settle the twitching itch nerves. It was here that I got the brainstorm to put an ice pack to the itching. After about an hour the itching completely stopped.
Day five and day six, I was never far from my ice pack. That is going to make all of the difference from what I can tell. That, and the Clobetasol.
Today is day six and I am beginning to see the red spots emerge. I am somewhat surprised to find that there is more activity on my left side, the side that is next to the driver's side window. I seem to have them everywhere, including my eyebrows, hairline, along my chin line, and especially my temples. I have worn bangs all of my life so I thought my forehead would be exempt, but that is the area that has the most "firework" activity.
I am sleeping okay and wake up feeling good. I take a shower and put the cream on at about 1:00. p.m. I deal with the fireworks for two hours as well as a headache and some dizziness. I find that if I can nap after applying the ice that makes the evening bearable.
At night I splash water on my face and cover that with Stevens Cream. That causes more major itching and takes another hour of ice. But I figure it is worth it to get some hydration going on overnight.
I can't imagine 22 more days of this, but I find that a day by day attitude makes it doable.
Paix
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Carac Chemo - Day Two
Am applying the cream around noon because my work starts getting demanding about 7:00 a.m. and I just can't seem to squeeze the application session in any sooner. The process is fairly straightforward. I wash my face first, then wait 10 minutes as told, presumably to let the water totally leave my skin. I am using Dove bar soap to wash with because that is what my sensitive and picky skin is used to. I also have some Eucerin sensitive wash that I was going to try until I read on the CSL forum that brand has ingredients that actually encourage skin tumor growth. So, no bueno, at least until I get desperate enough for th
at kind of relief. (The whole arsenal is in the picture).
The chemo cream itself rubs right into the skin, so I am finding that I have to pay close attention and even make a game plan about how to apply it so that I don't get too much in one spot, or miss other spots. I read where somebody used petroleum jelly to cover and protect eye corners, lips corners, nostrils, and sides of the nose, so I apply that first with a modified q-tip. This system seems to be working okay so far. I can see the spots on my cheeks, nose, and chin where I am going to have trouble, but I'm also applying right to the hair line and down a little under my chin because if I am here and doing this now, I am going to get it right.
After the application my skin feels very dry, like I need lotion on my face after a long day at the beach. There is no real redness yet. I wait the required 2 hours and then apply Steven's Softening Cream, and then apply again a couple more times until bedtime. So far so good there, 2 thumbs up. I am happy that 2 of my 28 days went well and my mindset is 1/14th down, 13/14th's to go.
I had diarrhea both days within 3 hours of application. This doesn't surprise me as this is always how my stomach reacts to emotional upset or invasion of something new. I napped a few hours today as well, and just general feel more tired than usual. Nothing too terrible so far.
The worst part of this has been what this has done to my girls. Throwing a monkey wrench into their lives hardly describes it. Sara is trying to rearrange her schedule so she can come to Utah for a few days. Liz works a crushing workload of three jobs and is trying to get ready for a major showing at the SLC library, so she is completely bogged down. I would rather have them with me through this but accept that I must do this mostly on my own this time.
I was thinking today that when the three of us are together, I would give them some instructions on some things that I want done at the end of my life, as well as tell them some things about their mama that they don't know. The last time I tried the "end of my life" instructions it was soundly rejected by them. I finally just wrote them an instructive note and put it before the first page of my trust so they would know what to do when the time comes. There is nothing like the feeling that the end is nearer than not, but not being able to talk about it with anybody because all they want to do is poo poo it away. It's lonely and I have asked my angels for somebody to talk to about end of life issues and decisions that I have a gut feeling need to be made. It is not a scary feeling knowing this needs to be done now, but what is scary is trying to get everything in order before you can no longer do it. I will definitely look out for counsel on that point.
It was a better day emotionally. I met a wonderful couple this morning at a listing appointment. I appreciated staying busy before "chemo time" and thanked my angels for my new friendship there. Working is how I deal with stress, and I believe all of my clients to be heaven sent for keeping me engaged and for believing in me. I remember last time, some very special people to me who live in Colorado but occasionally come to Utah in search for a ranch at which to retire, called me the week of my mastectomy. They wanted spend a day looking at ranches and the only day available was the day before my surgery. I explained what was going on to them and he said, "Good! We'll get you out working hard for 8 hours because that is exactly what you need that day!" I am eternally grateful for their no-nonsense attitude and for keeping me busy and laughing on that day. Sometimes it's just the little things that matter so much.
Well I really blabbered on this time. It's nice to post somewhere where no one reads what I say. I can really say what I am thinking without fear of reprimand because it's not always pretty.
Paix :-)
at kind of relief. (The whole arsenal is in the picture). The chemo cream itself rubs right into the skin, so I am finding that I have to pay close attention and even make a game plan about how to apply it so that I don't get too much in one spot, or miss other spots. I read where somebody used petroleum jelly to cover and protect eye corners, lips corners, nostrils, and sides of the nose, so I apply that first with a modified q-tip. This system seems to be working okay so far. I can see the spots on my cheeks, nose, and chin where I am going to have trouble, but I'm also applying right to the hair line and down a little under my chin because if I am here and doing this now, I am going to get it right.
After the application my skin feels very dry, like I need lotion on my face after a long day at the beach. There is no real redness yet. I wait the required 2 hours and then apply Steven's Softening Cream, and then apply again a couple more times until bedtime. So far so good there, 2 thumbs up. I am happy that 2 of my 28 days went well and my mindset is 1/14th down, 13/14th's to go.
I had diarrhea both days within 3 hours of application. This doesn't surprise me as this is always how my stomach reacts to emotional upset or invasion of something new. I napped a few hours today as well, and just general feel more tired than usual. Nothing too terrible so far.
The worst part of this has been what this has done to my girls. Throwing a monkey wrench into their lives hardly describes it. Sara is trying to rearrange her schedule so she can come to Utah for a few days. Liz works a crushing workload of three jobs and is trying to get ready for a major showing at the SLC library, so she is completely bogged down. I would rather have them with me through this but accept that I must do this mostly on my own this time.
I was thinking today that when the three of us are together, I would give them some instructions on some things that I want done at the end of my life, as well as tell them some things about their mama that they don't know. The last time I tried the "end of my life" instructions it was soundly rejected by them. I finally just wrote them an instructive note and put it before the first page of my trust so they would know what to do when the time comes. There is nothing like the feeling that the end is nearer than not, but not being able to talk about it with anybody because all they want to do is poo poo it away. It's lonely and I have asked my angels for somebody to talk to about end of life issues and decisions that I have a gut feeling need to be made. It is not a scary feeling knowing this needs to be done now, but what is scary is trying to get everything in order before you can no longer do it. I will definitely look out for counsel on that point.
It was a better day emotionally. I met a wonderful couple this morning at a listing appointment. I appreciated staying busy before "chemo time" and thanked my angels for my new friendship there. Working is how I deal with stress, and I believe all of my clients to be heaven sent for keeping me engaged and for believing in me. I remember last time, some very special people to me who live in Colorado but occasionally come to Utah in search for a ranch at which to retire, called me the week of my mastectomy. They wanted spend a day looking at ranches and the only day available was the day before my surgery. I explained what was going on to them and he said, "Good! We'll get you out working hard for 8 hours because that is exactly what you need that day!" I am eternally grateful for their no-nonsense attitude and for keeping me busy and laughing on that day. Sometimes it's just the little things that matter so much.
Well I really blabbered on this time. It's nice to post somewhere where no one reads what I say. I can really say what I am thinking without fear of reprimand because it's not always pretty.
Paix :-)
Friday, January 21, 2011
Carac Chemo - Day One
I've done everything I can think of to prepare myself for what is to come. At this point my blog will just become a diary with the goal of paying forward the enormous amount of help and consolation I have received from other blogs and forums.Yesterday I descended into despair. I texted my kids that I didn't think I could do it. I sat at my desk and sobbed huge heaving sobs, not just for the chemo and the cancer, but for the whole situation in general. Huge tears dropped loudly onto my desk calendar as I despaired away on many issues. Like with any good cry, I felt better afterward having purged a lot of toxins that have been interfering with the process of getting my game face on. As with the cancer I had before, my game face is on, but slightly ajar and not secured fastened. I am just keeping a brave face for my kids and the people around me who unanimously agree that I should fight this like a warrior. I don't really feel like fighting, and I don't feel like a warrior.
So I do what I have to do to keep the peace between how I feel inside and what the outside world thinks I should feel. It is a lonely place. The key is to stay busy. I am busy with real estate, and my clients have been exceptionally understanding. Today I am going to stock up on my meds, get more hair clips to keep hair out of my face, get lots of water, do some cleaning, sign up for audible.com and arrange my yarns so I can knit. I've decided to make the best of my 6 week downtime and am actually excited to investigate some advanced social media tools I haven't had time to explore.
"My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return. – Maya Angelou"
Peace. Until tomorrow ... J
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Google: The Best Frenemy a Cancer Chick Ever Had
What is it about Google? Its allure is more tempting than a gallon of butter brickle ice cream after a really crappy day. Like most people, I Google everything, even spellings of words that I am unsure of. Google is the exciting and enticing world of "others" at your finger tips.
But for a person grappling with cancer or other medical issues, it can be the biggest mixture of SOB/godsend/head trip/insomnia-maker there ever was. It got to my core the last cancer, but this time I am a smart veteran. I particularly love the forums where real people share real experiences and great tips with others who are about to embark on the same experience the poster just finished.
The problem is many of them could be saying things are aren't accurate or true. You have to decide, am I reading a friend or an enemy? You can't really know. Common sense prevails. Reader beware.
Of particular interest, I found a forum that had 1,450 posts to a Carac discussion board starting in 2006. I stayed up all night after my diagnosis reading each post to the end of the thread. I learned a ton of tricks which I believe will save me from inordinate pain and possible insanity during my Carac chemo run. Those voices, many from the distant past who have long ago moved past their own Carac experience and back into life, soothed like no other could. What a gift.
Some of them went beyond that and did something truly extraordinary. They photo blogged their experience. They put down the real "meat" (pun intended!) of the situation, no makeup, swollen bloody faces ... daring to look as ugly as they have ever looked ... to the world. I am going to try to do the same, if for no other reason to inspire someone to move forward through this scary experience like these people did me.
No promises, vanity may prevail. Here are two of my favorites. If you are squeamish, don't do it.
1) Just forehead: http://www.sannerud.com/pe
2) Whole Face, view in IE only: http://www.sannerud.com/pe
Two days until I start. There is less depression today because there is a lot to do.
Paix - Jen
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Round Two: Let's Get Ready to Ruuummmmble!
Here we are, back in the ring for cancer, round 2. This time it's skin, squamous cell carcinoma (SCC) and its baby sister, actinic keratosis (AK). The similarities between the this cancer experience and the last one are eerie, but this time I am a veteran. I am stronger, smarter and even more resilient. Breast cancer one was a good teacher, and I was a good student.Last time I was trying to figure it out. This time, I'm in charge. I won't make the same mistakes, maybe different ones. But I'll learn from those, too.
It's the same roller coaster though - shock - disbelief - anger - depression (lots of that) - self pep talks - friends who care - belief that it's all good. Then shock - disbelief .... around and around.
Other things are the same. The amount of sleep to be had is an inverse relationship to the time spent on Google researching. I have another really crappy doctor. Oddly, I haven't thought of Kris Carr in a long time, but when I woke up this morning she was on GMA pushing her new nutrition book which is actually just what I need now. Odder still, my Oncologist's office called just after that to check up on how things were going.
Some things are different. My health insurance bagged me after the breast cancer, turns out they don't like people who actually get sick, weird. So this time I have no insurance. Also I decided to make my cancer public, unlike last time I kept it quiet. I need the support this time. Last time the answer was to lop off a body part, this time the answer is a long, brutally painful round of chemo. I may decide to photo-document the chemo process here as there is nothing else like it that I can find on the Internet anywhere. I already took my "before" picture. What's to come after the "before" can barely be described. I don't know that I could get through it without having some purpose to it all.
Ding Ding, let the fun begin.
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