It's All Good

Cancer is nothing if not a fast-lane course in what is important and how a life course can be altered for the better. After stomping away mad from the Huntsman Cancer Institute, I did some (more) reading and research.

In quick succession I read Quantum Wellness by Kathy Freston, Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr, and the China Study by T. Colin Campbell PhD. These books present compelling facts and information regarding our modern day diets and cancer.

Many of you would agree with my doctors in saying that these notions are silly putty. But I don't believe they are. They resonate as complete truth to me. In the time frame of about a week, I have gone from vegetarian (once you read Kathy Freston's book you'll go there too) to vegan (the China Study) to some percentage of raw diet mixed with vegan (Kris's book).

I feel much better actually in terms of energy and several low level physical complaints that I had have now hit the road. There is no doubt that this will become a lifestyle for me. I am resolute and will not change my mind. Thank goodness for my daughter Liz, who has been a vegetarian for nearly 10 years. She has become my rock in this.

I appreciate Huntsman for the push they gave me. As we already know, it's all good no matter how it seems at the time.

I recommend that everybody digest each of these books. Share Kris's with somebody you know who has cancer or some other long-term or debilitating illness. Share the China Study with anybody that you care about.

Paix - Jen

Take Your Power Back

A few days have passed since my rant below. I'm no longer mad about the Huntsman experience. When I get mad, not only do I give my power away to somebody else, but the energy it takes to sustain the anger is exhausting. In the case of the Huntsman visit, we all agreed (daughters and I) that we went to the visit with the expectation that the experts would provide answers, and many of them. Silly? Maybe. When it became clear that my only role in the Huntsman scenario is to simply deliver to them a bouncing baby tumor on their timeline on their terms, well you already know how I reacted.

We now see that our expectations of a caring holistic experience were off-the-chain silly. Or, were they? Utah isn't exactly the holistic capital of the world. But it seems like a basic to me. Regardless, having collected my power back where it belongs, I stand ready. We stand ready.

Paix - Jen

Well. Well, well, well. Hmm.

I had my appointment with my surgeon at Huntsman Cancer Institute in Salt Lake City yesterday. My gut reaction is to explode into a long, ranting tirade. My girls and I came away completely bewildered, with more questions than answers. We are still angry today.

Friends are calling and wanting to know how it went. I'm avoiding their calls because I don't know. Okay, it didn't go well. Not at all.

First off, Huntsman's pathology report came back different than the original. Very different. When I told the surgeon's Physician Assistant (PA) what the pathology was on the original report, her jaw dropped open. You see, Huntsman's was a better report. Good news, right?

No. When I asked the surgeon how the reports could be so different, he condescendingly said, (I am not making this up) ... "Well, here's your breast. You have a "thing" in your breast. This kind of cancer is here on the scale (draws a rudimentary line on his scrubs), this kind is here." THAT was his explanation. We were DUMBFOUNDED!

Sorry Charlie, no go. Let's back up. I wait (accompanied by my constant companion, terror, and my daughters, who also have their own terrors tagging along) a prolonged period of time to see you because you are on vacation and only see patients only on Mondays. I waited 2 hours on the waiting room (no problem, I have all the time in the world) to be told by you that you don't know what kind of cancer I have, that I should not worry about financing it, that this is only step one and don't worry about the other steps. You give me only one option, do not ask me how I am, what are my goals, what do I need, what are my other medical issues, what are my fears, what about nutrition, other choices, what are the next steps (don't worry about that, pat pat), poo poo the fact that my insurance is trying to drop me (Well, c'mon now, Huntsman won't let the surgery take place if your insurance won't cover it, and then that will take care of whether or not you continue here), and can't explain why in the world are the pathologies so different.

"You are going to have a lumpectomy" he says. "Then, depending upon what we find, we'll do more surgeries." Oh really asshole? You don't even know me. How dare you have the cajones to dictate to me what I am doing with my body!

Is this the effing 1950's? God I hate Utah for this! Shovel the nice on-Zanax ladies through the line. Don't give them info, poo-poo their concerns, no reason to "worry" them with actually facts and straight talk.

Well, here's the deal. The surgeon gave me one option. And I don't like it. And I'm not going to do it. In fact, I will head off for what is now a third opinion in the matter. Wish me luck. Wish me somebody competent AND compassionate. Is that really too much to ask?

Premonitions

About a month ago (before cancer) I had a dream that I later described to my friend John as such:

"I was standing in line to check out at a clothing store (Old Navy actually) when the woman in front of me in line turned to me and in a Russian accent said, "You have the plague." She was of kindly energy and I knew that she was a being not of the earth. I said, "How do you know that?" She said, "Because I am psychic." I believed her and told her, "So am I". She winked at me and I winked at her as though our souls have had a good connection for a long time and we were sharing a long known secret friendship."

I woke up after that and spent some time considering this vivid dream. I reasoned that regular plagues such as the Bubonic et al are long under control. "Maybe she means a the modern plague - cancer," I wondered. I didn't think any more about it because surely *I* didn't have cancer!

I would find out within a week, after a routine mammogram, that I did indeed have cancer.

Listen to your dreams, get your mammograms!

Love ya - Jen

He Said It Best

"My life did not stop the day I was diagnosed with cancer. I simply woke up to what matters most to me and I came that much more alive."

That says it all. Thanks to Bert Scholl for that beautifully constructed sentiment.

Bert's Blog

The Things People Say

Well one thing we know for sure, everybody knows somebody who has had cancer. And everybody's got a story to share. (Note to people who share stories: feel free to share ONLY if the story is uplifting, hopeful, amusing, and doesn't end in a person's death from cancer. Just a tip.)

From Leah: Her friend Pam was diagnosed with a grade 4 tumor in her breast. She's had her surgery doing well and as far as Leah knows, Pam didn't miss a single day of work. That's great news to this workaholic.

From Irene and Maurice: They have a friend who had liver cancer, but was able to regenerate a healthy liver after 1/3 of it was found to be cancer free. Doctors removed the cancerous portion and the patient promptly got back to living life.

From Judi: A family member of hers was diagnosed with cancer and given 6 months to live. He decided to go see Dr. Gonzales in New York City, a well-known alternative medicine doctor. The patient is in remission and doing well. (Let me look for the link to Dr. Gonzalez. I will come back and post it here).

From Dawn: She said, "You can do it, go baby go!" So adorable. Sometimes a person just needs a cute and energetic cheerleader.

Everybody else: Incredible love and support. What an amazing thing.

You help me to remember to live my best life. And that is why cancer is a gift.

Paix - Jen

Update 6/19/08

Just back from the GI Guy. Seems my liver enzymes have moved must closer to normal and my iron levels have dropped, too. I believe this is totally due to recent diet changes. Super encouraging!

Ever the doctor, he still wants me to have a liver ultrasound. I may or I may not. For now I'll just enjoy the most recent good news.

Paix - Jen

I Own My LIfe

I'm currently reading Kathy Freston's book, "Quantum Wellness." I'm amazed by the way she presents this life changing information in such a refined and subtle way. Instead of trumpeting, she whispers truths that you instantly know are true. I highly recommend this book for anybody.

She wisely says, "We are all wounded in some way. We each have a sacred soft spot, the thing that cuts to the bone and gets our attention and forces us to awaken to our deeper selves, For some it is illness, while others it is constant drama in our relationships. But as I see it, the purpose of our lives is to grow and awaken to the most powerful potential that is seeded within us, and our most sacred mission is to apply our focus to getting unstuck where we feel stuck."

Maybe this explains why, as the days go by and I get used to having cancer, I feel empowered, strong, and wide open to whatever comes. Maybe not peaceful yet, but strong and ready for what the days ahead dish out.

It's a gorgeous day here in Utah and I'm going to do something fun.

Love ya - Jen

A Wise Tidbit From George Carlin

"Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again."

Thanks to CSL for the wise words of the day. Your day will be sweeter if you hold somebody's hand. Trust me on this. ;-)

(UPDATE: Never in my wildest dreams did I think that George Carlin would die less than one week after my post. People, hold someone's hand TODAY.)

Paix - Jen

Crazy Sexy People

I was thinking that I should find some good support communities online before I roll into the technical details of surgery and stuff. I looked around for a considerable amount of time, but could only find pink ladies with pink ribbons standing around in sweatsuits before or after a 5K event to raise money for breast cancer.

That's all good and I love them for it. But it's kinda stereotypical and not exactly my thing. Where were the cancer-ettes with attitude? The ones who were more "in-your-face?"

The Internet produced a link to My Crazy Sexy Life, a site that was created by Kris Carr (pictured), the producer and subject of the documentary, "Crazy Sexy Cancer" which showed on TLC Discovery Health a few months ago. Kris also has a blog which is full of attitude, great recipes for going vegan/raw, and a bunch of other people hanging around who have kick butt moxy. I love it. Please check it out when you've got time. My Crazy Sexy Life.

Paix - Jen

Night Monsters

I'm realizing that as nighttime snuggles in with exhaustion from the day, little doubt monsters sneak into my psyche. After a few nights of terror, I realized that this is the most low-energy and therefore the most vulnerable part to my day. Negative thoughts creep in and wreak havoc in my otherwise sunshine-filled mind.

I've learned to counter the nighttime goonies by taking frequent rest breaks in my day, ensuring a longer night's sleep, and conserving energy on daily tasks. Also, I've banned all Internet researching at night. This is helping a lot. The best thing by far however, is to snuggle up to one of my beautiful daughters and admire their pretty fingers or study a beautiful curve in their face. If they aren't around, then I sit under the stars and breathe in the miraculous night air.

Cancer is gift that I am appreciating more and more.

Paix - Jen

Update 6/14/08

I'm on tap to meet with a surgeon on June 23, 2008 for a consultation. For those of you who don't know, I have a high-grade comedo type DCIS tumor in my left breast. That is all we know for now. The team that I will be working with at the Huntsman Cancer Institute in Salt Lake City will include an Oncology Surgeon, a Radiology Oncologist, a Medical Oncologist, and a Plastic Surgeon. I am told by my Ogden team of doctors that I will need surgery immediately. However, I am also investigating alternatives and look forward to hearing more about what those are.

Paix - Jen

How to Tell People 101

Damn! I've misplaced my "How To Tell Your Family, Close Friends, Acquaintances, Clients, Neighbors, and Others That You Have Cancer" manual again.

I hate it when that happens.

A quick little primer:

Family: Share immediately. This is a good opportunity to cry and get it all out. Get it all out here because you'll need to regain your strength for ...

Close Friends: Share the news as you have the energy to do so because these folks won't take it well. You will want to make sure you call them personally (no email, snail mail, Morse code, note in a bottle, etc.). From your mouth to their ears. Make it your business to call them before they hear it from somebody else because you would want the same from them. Ask these people to kindly share the news with ...

Acquaintances: People who you love but don't talk to on a regular basis. This is where the news will spread like wildfire due to little or no effort on your part. Places like your work, the gym, the church choir, the guys in the prison yard, and your Bag Hoarder's Support Group will all know in .2 seconds flat if you let somebody else tell it for you. This will leave you with some energy to figure out how to tell your ...

Clients: This is a tough one. My business, Real Estate, is an unforgiving line of work where I need to be available 24/7. If my clients think that I am too sick to be out working with them, then my (considerable) medical bills don't get paid. Even more importantly, I want to work to feel connected and stay useful as I journey back to wellness. For now I am opting to not say anything about it to the clients. If I ever arrive to meet a client while attached to an IV pole, then maybe I'll have to explain. Until then, nada. This brings us to ...

Neighbors and Others: I adore my dear neighbors. They are last on the list because I know that they will the most forgiving. Others include people like the nice policeman who pulls you over for speeding. I read in c blogs that sharing that you have cancer with these types is commonly called using the "c-card." I guess cancer is good for something after all.

I know that some people prefer not to say anything except to close family. Completely understandable and that gets my full support. For me, I appreciate the prayers, resources and good wishes that come my way from my extended support group. In fact, they've become my manna.

Paix to all, Jen

What Does Cancer Feel Like?

A friend asked me what having cancer feels like. I told her it doesn't feel like anything. Physically anyway.

But your head changes. Your head says that cancer feels like death. Your head thinks that way because that is the way that the world taught it to think. The fear-based world.

So, I went with that for a while. I wasn't really scared, but I did think over my recently created family trust account. Was it in good order? Anything else I needed to add in? What about a burial plot? Should I get one? Would I hurt at the end? Who will pluck my chin hairs and color my gray roots when I can't anymore? You know, that kind of stuff.

Then I decided 47 is too young to die. Surely there must be an alternative.

I thought about my friends and family. I carefully watched their reactions to my news and discovered that I have a strong, no-nonsense, ready-to-do-battle team standing right behind me.

I thought a lot about simple things. The sky is bluer today, did I have those flowers last year, wow that tastes good. Stuff like that.

Then it dawned on me. Cancer feels like a paradigm shift. A new opportunity. A means to refocus a meandering life journey. A new appreciation of those that I love. A chance to give the gift of giving. An excuse to eat more shushi. And many more new medical terms to Google.

That's what cancer feels like to me.

Look's Like Mama's Got a Brand New Gig

You get a diagnosis like cancer and a lot goes through your mind. You find out who you are and who your friends are in a hurry. It's an interesting journey and I've decided to blog it honestly and openly. Thanks for looking in. Love, Jen