Canser is Messy

I've put off blogging for some time now while I pondered a big decision I had to make. When I started my blog, I wanted to be honest and open and it's been really beneficial for me, more so than I originally anticipated actually.

But for a while I just needed to hang back while searching for an answer that truthfully still hasn't come with any real clarity. Normally confident and decisive, I don't know what's been toughest to bear, the decision that I have to make or the indecisiveness that I still feel in making it.

It just goes to show that cancer is messy. There are no clear answers. In the end, I had to trust my gut and instincts in order to move ahead.

So today, after many agonizing days of thought, I decided to have a mastectomy instead of a lumpectomy.

I would equate the difficulty of coming to, and accepting, this decision along the lines of when you have a cherished pet who you decide to put to sleep. You know that you must do it, but there is no peace in the decision, and the days leading up to the final event are filled with what-ifs, a zillion mind changes and second guesses.

Ultimately, I had to choose from two horrible choices. One just happened to be a little less horrible than the other and that is why I chose it.

Cancer is messy. The decisions are agonizingly difficult. The friends are dear. The waiting is torture. But I choose to live and so I do what I do.

My surgery is Thursday the 7th. I am as uneasy and as unsure as I have ever been about anything. I'm not sure which is worse, surgery or the resulting aftermath. But like many people before me, I'll troop into the hospital and do what I have to do. And I know that I chose life.

Cancer is messy.

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